Writing. I do enjoy writing, quite a lot, actually. I think I am going to start a blog again–not for followers or page views or popularity, but entirely for the purpose of writing…and trying to learn more about myself in the process.
I don’t have a passion. Or I have too many passions. Either way, I don’t have anything to pursue, because I can’t decide what I should pursue. I love writing. I love outdoorsy stuff–hiking, climbing, cycling, motorcycle rides, exploring, cross-country skiing, etc. I love pottery. I love the city. I love looking at old buildings. I love cooking and baking. I love coffee–roasting, brewing, drinking…kind of. I love being a housewife. I love hanging out at coffee shops. I love cleaning and organizing–making my home look beautiful. I love observing people and meeting new people (I don’t really like initiating conversations though, or rather, I’m not very good at it). I love pottery. Like a lot. I love music. I love creating beautiful music. I love the idea of writing songs, but I’m not so good at it in application. I love the sun. I love the rain. I love rain followed by sun. I love art. I love the idea of being creative. I love cute clothes and putting together outfits. I love boots. I love Chuck Taylors. I love scarves and cardigans. I love brick. I love the color purple. I love culture. I love looking at beautiful artwork and listening to beautiful sounds. I love planning. I love researching. I love productivity. I love the idea of achieving goals through habits. I love morningtime. I love morning routines. I love talking with my husband. I love studying with my husband. I love studying in general. I love going to coffee shops with my husband or a friend. I love going on dates with my husband. I love wandering about big cities with my husband. I love Portland. I love city parks. I love picnics. I love meeting friendly, talkative homeless people. I love travelling. I love Thailand. I love foreign countries. I love Europe in general. I love long trips. I love road trips. I love not worrying about money. I love trying new recipes. I love tea. I love reading. I love sitting outside in the morning reading a good book and drinking tea. Or lemonade. I love grilling for dinner. Or rather, I love it when my husband grills for dinner. I love summer evenings. I love cabins in the middle of nowhere. I love walks. I love being warm and cozy. I love the sound of water–rain, stream, river, ocean. I love the feel of sand on my feet. I love walking barefoot in comfy grass. I love plants. I love gardens. I love fresh produce. I love farmer’s markets. I love free samles. I love the idea of sustainable living–if that’s growing your own food and raising chickens…maybe that’s homesteading? I love soft, cozy blankets. I love lace. I love matching. I love order. I love talking about things of substance. I love bed and breakfasts. I love train rides. I love running. I love being strong. I love learning. I love being smart. I love mango with sticky rice. I love the idea of completing a triathlon. I love simplicity. I love the idea of living with less. I love productivity. I love to do lists. I love achieving goals. I love the idea of being a mom. I love the idea of helping people. I love going on mission trips. I love taking prayer walks. I love having Scripture memorized. I love being able to cross-reference when reading the Bible. I love the idea of drawing. I love the idea of improv. I love design. I love designing. I love colour. I love British spelling. I love Spanish. I love learning languages. I love thinking. I love C.S. Lewis’ writings.
I’m running out of ideas of things that I love. But needless to say, I love a lot of things. Certainly not all of them would make a good life pursuit…or even a good month-long pursuit. (I can’t pursue “the city” for any length of time, really. I can’t pursue mango with sticky rice for much more than a week.) Even excepting those that would not make good pursuits however, I still have too many things that I love to do. Or that I would love to do. How could I keep up going to coffee shops, making pottery, writing, reading, triathlon, cooking, coffee roasting, and buying fresh produce at farmer’s markets all the time? I wouldn’t have the money or the time…or maybe I would…read and write at a coffee shop a couple times a week. Triathlon train every morning. Cook meals, like I already do. Have two or three pottery studio days a week. Have two or three coffee roasting days a week. Block out Saturday mornings to hang out at the farmer’s market…or maybe sell some of my pottery, writing, or coffee beans. It doesn’t actually sound too difficult to do. Although I do need to keep up with cleaning the house. But one day a week is sufficient for that.
But where am I to get the money to fund that? We are currently barely making ends meet, and certainly I couldn’t do all those things and work a part-time job at the same time. Coffee, studio time, produce, and gas money are the necessities. Coffee, $10 per week, more if I get lunch too. Studio time, $45 for three days, plus the cost of clay, glaze, and firing time…perhaps an extra $20 per week? Produce would be around $20 a week, possibly more if I also wanted to buy grass-fed beef, fresh eggs, and other random farmer’s market stuff. $50 might be a safer bet. Gas money would probably be about a tank a week with my white car. About $50 per week, I think. Okay, so total that up and…about $175 each week. There’s no way I could make that work.
Now that I listed that out, however, I have second thoughts. Would I really enjoy pottery enough to do it three times a week? Would I enjoy it at all? Maybe I would lose interest. That would sadden me. I almost prefer not doing pottery at all than doing pottery and realizing that I don’t love it as much as I thought I would or getting tired of it. I guess that would save about $65 each week. Still, maybe fear of not liking it or getting tired of it is a lame excuse for not doing something. I’m pretty sure Rem would say so. He would certainly encourage me to do pottery–at least try it. Well, maybe I will. Maybe I will save up the $150 for six weeks of pottery lessons…maybe $300 so that both Rem and I could do it. And I will see if I like it, if I’m any good at it, if I really do love it. We’ll see what I actually do. I am afraid of investing money in something that I might end up not loving.